love makes seman taste better
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
