I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
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I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
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drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize