Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
