Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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