last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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