Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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