She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
