oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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