I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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