i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
