I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
