Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
