I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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