We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
