peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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