I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
there is glitter all over my balls
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