Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
