So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I am spending my child support on dildos
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
no. you can't hotbox the world.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
