I hate your face
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
