The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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