HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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