Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
