Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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