The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
