her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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