How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
