Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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