And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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