Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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