margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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