My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
