My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
