What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Randomize
