Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
