Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
