Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
