The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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