finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
