so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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