I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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