i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
