i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
did i walk over a car last night?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
