I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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