I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
