So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
