Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
