just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
