I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
