Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
