I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
