the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
