We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
