i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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