I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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