Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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