so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
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Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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