i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
