dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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