I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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