Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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