Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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