watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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