my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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