my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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